When a close friend is struggling over a mistake, we usually say, warmly, “It’s okay, anyone could have.” Yet when we ourselves make the same mistake, we tend to drive ourselves hard — “Of course, why am I like this?” The attitude of offering yourself the same warm heart you would give a friend is called self-compassion. This mind that sees and holds you is, in truth, not weakness but the very root of the strength to rise again.
Psychologists say self-compassion holds three grains together. The first is self-kindness — treating yourself gently rather than berating. The second is “common humanity” — remembering that “it is not only I who fall short; to waver and err is what any person goes through.” The third is mindfulness — neither suppressing painful feelings nor being wholly swallowed by them, but noticing them just as they are: “ah, I am really hurting right now.”
Let me clear up one common misunderstanding. Self-compassion is not self-justification or an excuse for laziness. On the contrary, studies say that those who treat themselves kindly recover better after failure and try again more readily than those who drive themselves harshly. Punishing yourself does not make you better; only when you are safely held does the strength arise to face a mistake and learn from it.
The wise way to grow self-compassion is humble. In a hard moment, call to mind, “If my close friend were going through this, what would I say to them?” — and offer those very words to yourself. Placing a hand on your chest and saying to yourself, “you worked hard,” is good too. But when inner pain is too deep and long-lasting, rather than enduring with self-compassion alone, take the hand of those near you and, if needed, a professional. As FortuneLeaf always does, what this kind gaze offers is not a grand solution but a soft reflection that lets you hate yourself a little less — for the person you will keep company with longest in this world is, in the end, yourself.